Diaries of a Tormented Mind
by Manhoor
Summary: On the outside, all seems normal. But within, theres a storm that brews with untold anguish and power.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** _All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

You could walk past me everyday in your office, on your street, or in your apartment building.

My painful grin leads you to no deeper thought than what a lovely smile.

There's never a fuss, never an untoward word when things go wrong, but you wonder what may go on behind the curtains of my mind.

It may all but surprise you that it isn't smooth sailing within this fish bowl called my head.

Why, might you ask, do grey skies cloud my day? I have a great car, a great house, even a wife and child who love and support me through any of my hardships.

But why don't even they know what is going on within the windmills of my mind?

Thoughts are erratic. Feelings sway more than trees in a storm. Anger rises at a mere mention of a name. Within seconds helplessness sets in, with an apologetic undertone of why am I here?

Is there something wrong within the anatomy of this otherwise perfect and healthy male specimen? Is there some kind of screw loose?

What would drive a grown man, with no outstanding troubles to crawl into a personal hole of despair, fear and anxiety while in the middle of his everyday occupation?

I'm Edward and welcome inside. This is my head, these are my thoughts, and this is my diary of a tormented mind.

**Well, here is something new! Gone towards a bit of angst, mixing it up a bit from the norm of sex in QML or blood and guts in Evil Dead. This I hope will be updated regularly, so stay tuned.**

**Thanks to mpg as always. Thanks to miss_winkles for the poking. Thanks to daniamcullen for running through and beta'ing this story.**


	2. Diary entry 1

**Disclaimer:** _All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

**Entry #1**

With a sleep that once again one could only describe as mediocre, I could not help but think; is insomnia setting in? But I could not jump to a conclusion with things like that. I had to make sure it wasn't things like diet and exercise, stress at work and home, and even the repeated late nights, maybe causing dramas.

7a.m., my alarm finally goes off. Fuck, here we go again.

Most mornings have become such a quiet affair that even a sigh to catch a breath is analyzed from my family, making me feel like there always has to be a problem. God, there isn't a problem, I'm just quiet and getting my thoughts together for the day.

I arrived at work and walked through the door of the office, the eight employees I was to instruct and share the marvelous day with greeted me with wishes of a good morning.

Why is this morning so fucking good? I'm tired, I don't want to be here, I am stressed, and I am out of my fucking mind with shit not even I can start to understand.I raised my head and greeted them with a good morning to ease the pressure of having to answer the questions that could arise if I didn't show my enthusiasm.

I made my way to my office, to my desk, to my chair. This is where I think too much. Believe it or not, it's not all about work, but those niggling thoughts that keep popping into my brain.

Thoughts about the people who are talking about me. Thoughts of who is talking to my family.

Thoughts of what is, what could be, and worse of all, what isn't?

But do I know for certain that it isn't?

I can assume and trust all I fucking want, but what other people would immediately dismiss as stupidity, I take to the next level as a possibility. Possibilities like: Could my wife be cheating on me? Are the care workers looking after my daughter? What are my colleagues saying behind my back?

My mood levels have become erratic too. I'll be all happy and sweet one minute, and then I'll go into a thought pattern that literally makes my blood pressure rise with anger. I'll give myself a theoretical uppercut, then I'll go all sad and depressive, thinking why the fuck should I bother anymore. What the fuck is happening in my head?

The thing that shits me though, is after I calm down, take a deep breath and think for a minute, I realize I am having these ridiculous thoughts that should never really have entered my mind, so why are they?

I'm happy, I'm a joy to be around, and I'm a joke a minute type of guy with not much to worry about, that is always looking on the brighter side of every thing that was negative in life. So why now, do I feel so crappy all of the time. Why am I this serious bastard all of a sudden?

I started my day on a high note, as if it wasn't noticeable. But there was a lot of work to get through, so my day wasn't filled with the mind bending nonsense that has started to fill my life.

I found if I had free time, or if I was in cruise control doing my everyday mundane jobs, I would start to think about things at home, other people, even what we were going to do this weekend.

Shit, I have heard a saying; idle minds are the devil's workshop?

Hmm, food for thought.

**Thanks and please follows to (at)mpg, (at)miss_winkles, (at)daniamcullen, the big helps of my fic life! **


	3. Diary entry 2

**Disclaimer:** _All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

Entry #3

How do you explain the feeling you get, when you feel that something is wrong but you are sure that there is nothing to be even worry about in the first place. Confusion? Anxiety?

That there's something going on behind your back, but in reality, it's only your sorry fucked up mind that's thinking it. Confusion? Anxiety? Paranoia?

Mix this with a feeling that your only purpose is to be the door matt for which everyone wipes their boots over you, keeping them clean, but giving you the shits.

Confusion? Anxiety? Anger? Paranoia? Depression?

I am sitting at work, on cruise control with my mind busy with the normal everyday activities. It's unfortunate because it gives my mind room to wander.

It seems to go into places I would never have thought of going. I think of negative and unsavory thoughts about my wife. The fear of the uncertain future of my own child and how bad a parent I am. The idea that I have even let my own parents down in the way I have grown into a man. A miserable man?

What the Fuck am I thinking? Wake up dumbass I thought.

So I walk around in my office for a couple laps, finally the thoughts are repressed. I know these thoughts are bullshit, the facts aren't there.

I breathed a couple deep breaths. I focused again on doing something more productive, like working.

The day came to a close. I loaded up into the SUV ready to trundle my ass home.

The other two were already home, so I didn't have to pick them up this time round.

The radio was turned on. I'm not a fan of noise, so I turned it off.

As I made my way through the traffic lights I suddenly felt overcome with fear and felt depressed of what my life had become.

Fuck it, what would happen if I just swerved at 80kph into that bridge pylon up ahead.

I was a fan of Metallica and their music, so much so that I could recollect some of their lyrics. But all of a sudden one song stood out:

Life it seems, will fade away  
Drifting further every day  
Getting lost within myself  
Nothing matters no one else  
I have lost the will to live  
Simply nothing more to give  
There is nothing more for me  
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be  
Missing one inside of me  
Deathly lost, this can't be real  
Cannot stand this hell I feel  
Emptiness is filing me  
To the point of agony  
Growing darkness taking dawn  
I was me, but now He's gone

No one but me can save myself, but it's too late  
Now I can't think, think why I should even try  
Yesterday seems as though it never existed  
Death Greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

Fuck it man, what are you thinking? Beautiful wife and daughter are waiting at home ready for Daddy cuddles. The tears that would stream down the faces of those loved ones. I could feel the pain already.

I shook my head. I smiled. I hope I get big daddy cuddles when I get home.

**Well, here i am again. With a sudden interest in Diaries from you the readers, I found myself inspired by metallica while playing guitar hero of all things!**

**You can add me on twitter: (at)Manhoor**


	4. Diary entry 3

**Disclaimer:** _All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

_**This one has gone up, un-beta'ed. If you have a problem with that, then stop now. In my opinion, it's meant to be raw as a diary would be, and written in the way the writer would choose. Otherwise ENJOY!**_

Entry #3

I arrived home and was blown away by the welcome or the lack there of.

While the wife was cooking busily, a quick hi was all that came from the kitchen. That's fair enough, she's cooking. Assuring me a cuddle and a kiss would soon follow from the little girl which I had worked so hard to please. I was saddened when I was met with a… "I want to go shopping tomorrow to buy toys."

Oh the joys! I entered the kitchen to grab myself a welcome hug. Sure enough, I got one! Even better, a how was your day?

The conversation was short, but I am not sure if my lady understands how much her time and attention in me, really means. It lifts the spirit of a torn man inside, knowing someone cares and wants to listen.

Dinner was quick and then shower time.

Bedtime soon came, but I felt that our family time once again was spent in different rooms tonight. I don't know if this was something to be concerned about or not. But I was at odds in coming forward in venting my concern, which would no doubt come out wrong and lead to anger, simply because the vocabulary would be wrong or the tone of voice was an octave out.

Feeling down and mentally drained I decided I would have a shower.

The water felt nice and hot, just what I needed to wash away the day's troubles. But as I sank to the floor and remembered the lyrics of a song which I thought could have been used as a backing track to my life. I'd felt this pain inside my head before, rattling from the concerns, emotions and uncontrollable feelings.

Been here before couldn't say I liked it  
Do I start writing all this down?  
Just let me plug you into my world  
Can't you help me be uncrazy?

I wish I could bring the people who meant most to me, into this head of mine. It would so explain everything. Maybe the feelings could be expressed and dealt with, without aggravation.

Name this for me, heat the cold air  
Take the chill off of my life  
And if I could I'd turn my eyes  
To look inside to see what's coming

My emotions were turmoil! With no warning, lashing out towards loved ones, who the fuck is this monster I have become?

Then the unnamed feeling  
It comes alive  
Then the unnamed feeling  
Takes me away

I banged my head against the shower wall, feeling refreshed but dirty all at the same time. I wish I could sleep and then it would all be OK.

I cannot sleep in this down-filled world  
I've found safety in this loneliness  
but I cannot stand it anymore

Why do I feel that no one listens, no one wants to listen, that the up hill struggle of what I could be going through, is up to me. I don't want to be given drugs just to cure something that's in my head!

Cross my heart hope not to die  
Swallow evil, ride the sky  
Lose myself in a crowded room  
You fool, you fool, it will be here soon

No doubt tomorrow will be the same as today, then the day after that. Why the hell should I even try?

I felt the water getting colder, so I turn the lever to even hotter.

Then the unnamed feeling  
it comes alive  
then the unnamed feeling  
Treats me this way  
and I wait for this train  
Toes over the line  
and the unnamed feeling  
takes me away

Maybe I should see the Doctor about some of the things which could be brought on by stress at work and home I thought, maybe I am going mad? But then I would be called a nutcase!

No why me? Not me, I'm supposed to be tough there's nothing wrong with me!

Get the fuck out of here  
I just want to get the fuck away from me  
I rage, I glaze, I hurt, I hate  
I hate it all, why? Why? Why me?

After drying and putting on some warm cloths ready for bed. I thought of the final verse of the song which is now on repeat inside my head!

I cannot sleep with a head like this  
I want to cry, I want to scream  
I rage, I glaze, I hurt, I hate  
I want to hate it all away

I must have fallen asleep sometime or another, I found myself waking up, and the thought…Here we go again!

**Thanks to (at)mymunkyman for listening and pushing.**


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